What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
