Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
