Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
