she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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