Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
