You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize