now i know why i became what i already was.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
