So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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