I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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