i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
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