My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
