I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
