Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
