You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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