i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
