I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
send nudes
from the living room?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
