the condom got lost in my hair
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am one with the molecules
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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