it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
