Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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