how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
