If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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