Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
