You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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