My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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