You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
