Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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