Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
