I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
