Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
They are going to name an STD after you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
