I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
