in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
