woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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