This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
