i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
