Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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