My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize