just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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