The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
