i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
