the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
