hotel room ftw
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
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