I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
