I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
