enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
