yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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