Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
