Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
