kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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