I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
