guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
