It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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