I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
