i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize