im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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