i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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