His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
