I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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