My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
