i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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