My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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