He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
