My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
