My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
