I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
