First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
