i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
